... just to recover from the visit. Seriously. A whole day to recenter myself and I am not even sure I am done. Is it wrong that I get worn out around family? My brother is really easy to handle. He's a mellow guy and I probably stress him out far more than he could ever stress me. The rest of em? Not so much.
I think I am a fairly decent person. I have some big quirks. I am so neurotic and I get all spun up about stuff, but I am generally good. I don't lie. I try to think of others first (I don't always succeed). I try to behave in a manner that conveys a level of integrity befitting my ethical standards.
There are members of my direct family that I do not ever care to see in person again. That's sad. It really is. Either I have grown to be such a callous and cold person that I can write off familial bonds that easily, or they merit that kind of write off. Either way, it's sad. Writing my dad out of my life was impossible, but once I did it, I felt so much better. Things were just easier in a lot of ways.
OK, so I am rambling... this all goes back to it taking a tremendous amount of energy for me to deal with my mother. I literally sat on my couch this morning and cried for no reason. Then when I was done I realized I was just emotionally worn out. She had been gone 16 hours at that point. I should have been AOK by then, but I wasn't. I know I am whining again. It's ok. I think this kind of acknowledgment is healthy, even if it is whiny. Two years ago I would have just fought with her and been in a bad mood for two weeks and not known why. So, I am evolving. This writing of stuff seems to help me process. That's why you all have to lulled into a coma by reading it.
So, when do we stop being worn out by our parents? Or do we ever? Sometimes I wonder how in the hell I made it this far, hahahaha. I definitely have a blessed life these days and that is a result of every step prior, so I wouldn't change any of it. I just want to avoid future lost days and visitations filled with tension. Can you have a purely telephonic maternal/child relationship?
as long as you keep moving, a telephonic relationship is a distinct possibility
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ReplyDeleteAw I'm sorry your mom stresses you so much. I wrote a longer comment but then I realized I'm no doctor Phil! I think you're great though, quirks and all. And most importantly Tom does too :o)
ReplyDeletelol, thanks ladies! Michelle, you are so much cooler than Dr. Phil. Not to mention he's mean, anyway!
ReplyDeleteYou all read this stuff and I appreciate it a lot. It helps. Things are better yet today. I think I was pretty fragile this trip because Tom's been gone so long.
I will grow up some day.
For what it's worth, you're not alone. I think you're great just the way you are.
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