OK, I need to explain my last post. Actually I should probably delete it, but I am not going to. It started out as a self-deprecating post. Why can't I put on eyeliner? Why can't I keep my silly little mouth shut? Why can't I understand that people don't want to really know others? Why do I just not get social nuance? Why am I as dense as cement some (most) of the time? Then it all spiraled out of control with the mouth part.
I was speaking with someone and said something about not liking Christmas because it was always another opportunity for my parents to fight about me and then my dad hurt Austen in a big way. You could see this person literally bristle and tense up. They looked at me and said I just can't think about those things. I need to make new traditions. I need to forget that bad stuff and make happy memories. I just get really pissy when I am told that I just need to forget about things and move forward.
All of this seems to go back to things Morgan just can't comprehend. Why do I need to deny my past? Why should I NOT talk about my childhood? Why should I pretend that I get any type of warm and fuzzy from thinking about childhood holidays?
I hate this holiday. Truly really effing hate it. If you know me, I never use the word hate for anything. With Tom it is much more tolerable because I can focus on the here and now, but I just don't have that this year. I hate having to send Christmas cards to people I don't even like. I hate buying gifts because you're supposed to. I hate the tree. I hate the lights. I hate all of it.
Anyway, the 'you' was empirical, not direct. It's just silly little Binky shaking her fists at the things she doesn't understand. I just don't like being superficial. If you ask me a question, why shouldn't I answer it truthfully??? Why should I sugar coat the truth to make you (the other person) comfortable when being superficial and lying makes ME uncomfortable.
Oh how I love you! I feel the same way about sharing! I'm always giving people waaay too much info about my past abuses n' shit. Too bad! If you don't like it then you won't like me!
ReplyDeleteI love you just the way you are darlin'!
Maybe you need a plane ticket to Japan. Really to another place but you can't go there, so here would have to do!
ReplyDeleteThanks, ladies. I love you both immeasurably.
ReplyDeleteSomeday I will not get so upset about stuff... someday....
Morgan,
ReplyDeleteI don't know you and I have been reading your blog through Liz's and Steph's and Michelle's (I think?)...
Needless to say, this post really hit home with me. I too, often divulge entirely too much information. I often feel weird after it and couldn't really put my finger on it until just now. It's the reaction from others that's affecting me. In a nutshell, thanks for sharing-and please keep on doing just that.
~Judy
Aw Morgan the fact that you are straightforward is what I love about you. No eggshells just the plain truth. You don't offend me at all. See, this little idiosyncracy of yours helps you pick the right friends :o)
ReplyDeletei commented earlier, but it disappeared...wierd. anyway, i think you're doing just fine, but to be honest, if you told me some of the things you shared in this blog to my face i probably would say that i'm sorry because i actually am sorry that those things happened to you. i like the person you area and i get the whole "road that led me here" stuff, but that sucked and i wish it hadn't happened. so that's basically what i wrote.
ReplyDeleteoh and something about how your husband must be a special kind of awesome. =)
Nice speech to drawl with
ReplyDelete