PSYC 101 Final

I was allotted 2 hours and 15 minutes to take the test. I finished in 12 minutes. Is this good or bad?

I might try this...

I guess I might try to keep up with a blog. I usually suck at things like this, though. So, it's here anyway. That means if I am inspired at some moment, I can write.

It could be really cool with all of the traveling this summer, Tom's R&R and Eve's wedding.

Recent Conversation with My Hubby...

Just had to share this:

Binks: Honey, do you like Boxers or the Boxer Briefs Better?

Tom: Depends.

Binks: You're not THAT old!!!

When do I get my big girl panties?

When does my life stop being about my father? I cannot go a day, hell an hour, without thinking of some dad reference. I get better, sometimes. Then it all comes back. The most bizarre shit sends me spinning out-of-control into an abyss of emotion.

I have figured out that I want nothing to do with the man.

I have figured out that the shit he did to me, my brother, my mother and my son was fucked up.

I have figured out that it wasn't/isn't my fault.

So why does this still torment me so much? I want so badly to live in *this* moment. My life is amazing. I have the coolest kiddo you could ever ask for, the most amazing lover/friend that I could ever ask for, a few really great friends, and a few animals to snuggle with. I have figured out that I like being a wife & mother. However, I have not been able to *be* those things for a while. My mind is so not anywhere near right now, most of the time. I spend my days trying to distract myself but not achieving anything. None of that is his fault, that's all me. It's just all wrapped up together though.

I want to let go of him completely, but I don't know how. I just don't know how to function anymore.

Any thoughts? (other than medicating me into a coma - my doctor is already trying that)

PHENOMENAL WOMAN (wow)

A friend of mine had this on her MySpace page. I wanted to post it somewhere that I would have access to it regularly (in case she changed her page). It's an amazing piece, and, incredibly, something I *needed* today...


PHENOMENAL WOMAN
by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I'm not cute or built to suit a model's fashion size
But when I start to tell them
They think I'm telling lies.
I say
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips
The stride of my steps
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please
And to a man
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees
Then they swarm around me
A hive of honey bees.
I say
It's the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth
The swing of my waist
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say
It's in the arch of my back
The sun of my smile
The ride of my breasts
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say
It's in the click of my heels
The bend of my hair
The palm of my hand
The need for my care.
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

Fathers and Daughters

I finally gave in and listened to that Alec Baldwin thing. It took me back. Even the tone of his voice was just like my dad's. I remember answering the phone once and my father saying, "Hey lard-ass." My mom had answered at the same time I did, and heard the whole thing. I was embarrassed. I didn't want her to know that my daddy hated me. Not doing my chores, not looking the way he expected me to, not being the miniature woman that he thought I should be, not being good enough in any way.

My heart is breaking for Alec's daughter. It hurts so bad to have the most important man in your life speak words of hate to you. And now, the poor girl knows that the world knows, too. Her pain is going to be deep and lasting.

I certainly hope that this ego-maniacal, misogynistic man realizes how harmful his words are and gets some help.

I feel so silly right now. I feel like the 12 year old girl. Why am I bawling because Alec Baldwin said some mean shit to his little girl? It's just fucked up.. Why is it so hard for us to simply LOVE our children?

Crazy Bitch

Apparently I am going off the deep-end and don't even know it. Well, actually I do know it and I try to suppress it, but I am not doing a very good job. For the most part, I am physically feeling pretty good these days. Not too many electric pulses and not too many migraines. I still get both, but not several times per day.

My sleep patterns are all fucked up and that really bugs Tom. I don't know what to do. I've tried to be as respectful about it as I can, but laying in bed staring into the dark doesn't work for me. So, I am relegated to the guest room for now. Until I can get things figured out with my circadian rhythms, anyway.

Once again, if you are ever to consider going on an SSRI/SNRI, do it very carefully. It seriously screws with your system.

much love
the lunatic